"The Last Simple" by Ray Sullivan

 This remarkable book lampoons novels, especially of the Da Vinci Code type. The characters are all aware that they are in a work of fiction and that what happens to them will have to conform to the requirements of the genre (including only being able to perform normal bodily functions if they happen not to be in the next chapter); being written out is tantamount to murder and they all hope to be in the sequel. 

There is a plot of sorts and it is suitably ridiculous. Lord Bartholomew has been kidnapped by the evil Cardinal Ringaringaroses (whose henchman is Al Bino) in order to fulfil the Cardinal's plans for world domination which will inevitably involve a sixty second countdown towards the end. Bradford, a Professor of Simpology, is recruited to save the world.

But the joy of this book lies in the almost non-stop jokes. Every possible metaphor is taken literally. Every possible bit of word-play is wrung from the text. There must be at least one joke on every page. To give just a few examples:

• "‘A mystery?’ repeated Bradford, thrown momentarily by the starting of a new chapter.  Deep down, he hadn’t finished with the last one." (Ch 3)
• "‘I think the chapter’s going to end soo" (Ch 10)
• "Then another idea struck him, cutting him just above the eye" (Ch 13)
• "Kylie felt her heart sink, a rare hereditary condition caused by inbreeding in popular fiction." (Ch 14)
• "Lady Bartholomew poured scorn over the drawing, making the ink run a little." (Ch 20)
• "The assembled group nodded sagely, except for Belsen who chose a different herb to nod." (Ch 32)
• "‘Lucas Brightwater?’ asked Bradford, his eyebrows knitting together.  One was working on the sleeves, the other on the body." (Ch 32)

It's quite exhausting for the reader to keep up. It is also fantastic. It's like Tristram Shandy has been crossed with Monty Python with help from Milton Jones, the result being hilarious, surreal and extraordinary.

Selected quotes:

• "it wasn’t her fault that people didn’t read his stories in the right order, but it irked him that he had to explain his background every bloody time he had an adventure." (Ch 6)
• "In a fair world he wouldn’t be the lead in a third-rate parody but would instead be the lead in a Dan Brown story – the only problem was that he didn’t know if he’d have to dumb up or down for that role if and when it happened." (Ch 6)
• "This place must be costing a fortune,’ he said, looking around at the magnificent architecture, marred by the steel pipes. ‘Only if you describe it fully,’" (Ch 7)
• "What you have is a pretty strong jaw, not a pretty, strong jaw." (Ch 7) 
• "‘You’re going to speak to your daughter in a few moments,’ he declared, his eyes spilling evil.  Pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket, he wiped the evil up" (Ch 10)
• "Deep down, Bradford wanted to be an original character, not some amalgam stereotype." (Ch 15)
• "studying the hand with a puzzled look on her face while hoping nobody would ask her to suggest where else a puzzled look could reside." (Ch 31)
• "Bradford realised he was approaching novel fatigue, the syndrome where characters realise they’ve been active for days and nights without sleep.  It happened in practically every story and was never accounted for adequately." (Ch 34)

It's like Wodehouse on speed. Bizarre but brilliant. February 2023.

This review was written by the author of Bally and Bro, Motherdarling  and The Kids of God